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heartselfmade7668's Blog


Nothing Empty- POEM

So many thoughts pass me by
Don’t know what’s wrong or right,
I feel everything with great passion
I don’t know if it’s fact or fiction
I just seem to feel so small
Fighting within me pinning myself against a wall
Begging to remember, needing to forget
Block out other peoples problems
Try and ignore the undead
I rush and shiver when I feel
Crave and want when it turns to steel
I can’t make up my mind
Can’t choose how I feel tonight.
Up and down in my head please stop
Positive negative thoughts from bottom to top
Overthinking absolutely everything
Over guessing over seeing over assuming what might not be there
Grabbing my fingers from pulling at my hair
I want to write, I want to explain
But I feel like its all jumbled, my creativity
I twist and turn constantly at night,
Dreams of desire, nightmares with fright
No matter it isn’t making sense
I just have a short piece of the collaboration
Mixtures of everything absorbed at once
I don’t think I will ever want to love
No pain no gain, hahaha
If only that were true, I would be in heaven
Shun me from my soul
Take away my breath
My emotions are running high
Inside my head
It’s amazing what little people outside can see
My heads a tight lock, and it comes with no key
Even the brain within its cage fails to understand
What exactly is going on, what exactly happened?
I know I know, this doesn’t make sense
Why let it get to you? Why give it a chance?
Why question it’s thoughts, why listen to it?
But you cannot always control the thoughts in your mind
Sometimes it doesn’t let you manually drive, sometimes it goes on automatic
Sometimes you think the thoughts before you know they’re there
Sometimes you don’t understand it, don’t get why you think no one cares,
My lungs breathe
My heart beats
My soul speaks
My thoughts think
And someday, it will all be empty…

HeartSelfMade7668 <3

I Wonder - POEM

I wonder if what I write
Helps people see my sight
I wonder if my words here
Are not only read but bared
Felt by the reader themselves
Make them feel that something else
I wonder if they really get it
Or if they just underestimate it
New Years eve, a fresh start, they say
But for now it’s just another day
Change doesn’t happen in the nick of time
And I am too impatient for it to go by
I always aim to turn over a new leaf
But right now I think I need less change, more happy
Yes I know happiness is change itself
A type of change in you and nothing else
All I can do is hope to write
So my change might help someone’s spite
I don’t know if I’m baring my soul
Or if I’m looking to represent a goal
Right now my mind is just being typed
But no thoughts are getting hyped.
Guess I should wonder all this for myself
Am I the one I’m trying to help?


-HeartSelfMade7668 <3

Do I believe in God? I kinda have to.

I don't know. I don't know if I should believe in God because of all the miracles I have been given. I feel like in a way I'm obligated to. I do acknowledge theres a form of higher power and I'm alive possibly because of it. I also know in my heart that I survived for a reason, I do believe every life has a purpose, because if they didn't, what's the use of existing? But then, I question it. Maybe that's my nature, or maybe I've blocked him out with senses I accept but choose not to allow them to control me. Maybe he's there, I just can't feeling him as strongly as I would like to. That because I've survived, shouldn't I have that deeper connection with God? And that lack of connection...... makes me wonder.
 
He's a great idea, God. Someone always watching over us, making sure fate and karma plays out to plan. Someone who has all the answers, and is enough of a mystery you search for him in every nook and cranny of life. I like the thought that goodness will win out. that thought that as long as you have morality in your heart, the absolute best intentions, and are able to express those intentions to the best of your ability, you will end up in a place filled with similar minded people. In a place were good deeds and heart doesn't ever go unpunished. But I don't believe in hell. I used to, but honestly I look at all of the world, and all I see is everyone fighting to do their best. Even if it isn't the standard of greatness, I see us all fighting to stay alive, and although people do bad things, why are their souls deemed bad? We don't know what caused them to become this way. I just don't like the idea that there's a constant punishment, a place for the purpose of strictly suffrage. I want to think God, if he's out there, is much kinder, much more understanding of that. And at the very least, doesn't stick a person there forever, simply until they can redeem themselves, and then given a second chance, and a third chance, and an eighth chance, and a two millionth chance. And they will someday get to heaven, and be eternally happy.


 I don't know if theres some single being standing amongst the beyond. I don't know who's god is right, or if there really is a right god, because they are all the same one in different perspectives. I do know that the large majority of Earth feel that they are connected to a higher power, and the few that don't survive just fine. I think every single person has their own God assigned to them. well, maybe not like fifty hundred thousand trillion gods all floating in fifty hundred thousand trillion heads, but one god, in fifty hundred thousand trillion pieces, influencing us all with perspective and hope and determination to live on. And not in just humans, in every atom in the universe. I want that god. I want the God who connects us all even if we don't connect with each other.

Do I believe in God? Sort of. I believe we are all a little piece of God or whoever that higher power is. And as long as an atom is out there, even if not one of our own, there will be a piece of something, somewhere that is to question it's existence.


HeartSelfMade7668

Sensing Spirits - Poem

I feel a spirit breathing down my back
So close I swear if I closed my eyes I would see black,
Her darkness fills the room with eyes
I sense she is trying to talk but I don’t know why
Her hair blurs behind boxes of stuff
Making me question if that’s really what I saw
Dept and sorrow burn her blue eyes
I don’t know how to help, what to say
But all I will think is everything’s okay
God her eyes shine like a sliver-blue moon
Her hair is wispy and long and smooth
I beg that I can tell much more of her
But she only tells me what I’m pretty sure of
Is she a spirit or just a ghost
Is she a deeper meaning or a hoax
I question life and death and dead and alive
Wishing she would let me more inside
Fear and thrill rush through my veins
I feel her presence but see nothing
Let me be sane, let her be true
God don’t make me wonder if this is a rouge
And I still feel Maggie on my back
Waiting for her to show up at last

HeartSelfMade7668

Toys. Time Portals In Disguise. (Don't Judge Me!)

So for all of you toy lovers out here, this ones for you! *Toy lovers applaud* 

So I was in my grandma's basement, and she has several toy collections. Barbie dolls still in their original boxes, stuffed animals from 3 generations worth of time, my Great Aunt, my Mom, and mine. And as I look from my barbie dolls, all I could think was the time where I would of ripped that packaging wide open, and played with them until they were so broken they went to "Barbie Heaven", which was the top drawer of my dresser (because throwing them away in the trash would be "Barbie Hell" and no one deserved that sort of treatment. DON'T JUDGE ME!

While looking at that though, my eyes raised to the unfinished doll house display, who belonged to my Aunt Margo, my grandpa's sister, and all I could see was her, at a young age, playing and furnishing this small wooden dollhouse. Then I looked at my barbies, after some serious staring and a bit of imagination help from Toy Story, I realized. "Oh my god! They're almost time travelers. That plastic box is their transportation shell, keeping them preserved and say "frozen" in their own time warp. In the end, all toys new or old, kind of hits us in a spot of love. Even if we never were into toys, or got to play with them, there's something about an old teddy bear being your last gift from your grandmother ("You" being my mom, HI MOM!) that makes even your kids ("your kids" being me, HI ME!) really think about value. I mean, even in non collector item terms, the older something is, especially family wise, it continues to grow in value, even if it's not in a currency type of value as in, you know, sentimental. Like you look at an old stuffed Mickey Mouse and it's from say, "Disney's 25th Anniversary" you kind of look and think about how different Disney has gotten the last 20 some years or 30 some years, or better, they ways it hasn't.

I mean for me at least, toys take me to a much younger mindset. I suddenly see innocence and childs play, and even more so I see what my kid will be doing with those old out of date toys, so to me, toys are a symbol to the past and future. There will always be a little girl out there, somewhere, tucking her baby doll into a crib. There will always be a little boy spinning a top or racing a friend around a tree or over an obstacle course. And if taken care of, those toys will travel into someone elses life and make their world magical, even for just a while.

-MyHeartSelfMade7668

5 Smart-Savvy Splurges for a Lovely Lady

Have little money but want some of the good stuff? Here are a few apparel items that are going to last past the price.
 
          Okay ladies, let’s face it. The costs of items are on the rise. No one seems to be able to tell what is worth those few extra bucks, if anything. And honestly, even some of the more pricey items are as cheaply made as what you could get at Wal-Mart. But there are a few items that are more durable and are made as quality items. Get everything else on the down price. And sky rocket your fashion.
 
v 1: A Bashful Bra.
Having a great quality bra is something you should feel no shame in splurging on. Bras are essential to wear on a daily basis and you will always get plenty of wear out of it. Also, those better quality bras give you better support, and can be more comfortable if you find one that’s perfect for you. Plan wisely though; get a bra in a nude shade, so it can go under anything. A black one is also known to be a good idea.
v 2: A Wistful Winter Jacket.
If you’re in an area that gets chilly, a classy winter jacket can be a great item to snuggle into and worth the price. Better made jackets means better made material that can last through harsh weather. Don’t get a jacket that you have to buy a new one every year. Splurge now and save money that you would of wasted in the future.
v 3: A Perfect Pair of Jeans
A great pair of jeans is one of the best items you should splurge on. Most low-end stores have pretty standard sizes that might not be flattering on your shape. And can wear out easily. Getting a good ol’ pair of jeans that fit you like glove will give you a timeless look that won’t go out of style. The best part? They can last for decades! My mother still has a pair that she bought almost 20 years ago, and she still looks good in them.
v 4: A Bold Fitted Blazer.
One thing you’ll fancy splurging on is a well fitted blazer. Getting a blazer that is flattering on you is a must. So why not pay a little extra so you can look extra good? Also, if you get one of good quality, it could last you years as well. Get it in a color that best fits your wardrobe, and it will complete any outfit.
v 5: One Piece of Just Genuine Jewelry.
The last thing you’ll treasure splurging on is a piece of jewelry that has real value to it. Whether you get it in your birth stone or a diamond; getting this last collective piece will be the final touch. Get something unique to you. If it’s a dainty necklace or elegant earrings, I suggest keeping it simple too. This piece can later be passed on to your kids, and it might someday be a family heirloom. And if it’s well constructed, it could last for centuries, living beyond the initial price.
 
These are just 5 great items that you should splurge on, because if bought and cared for right, they could be with you for a lifetime. Be careful of what you buy, and make sure you know how much you will use it, and how much of value it means to you. Never buy something that you wouldn’t wear. And be smart about buying what you will. Good Luck shopping! Splurge wisely!

Moving On Moving Past - Poem

Moving on moving past,
Moving to something better than the last,
Hurting and breaking beyond,
Hurting to let go; I must just be gone,
I rip the scab off, get rid of the taint
Bleach the silk, bleed out the pain,
Work myself till I am covered in sweat,
Work myself so there’s no anger left
My insides feel the loss; my heart feels the sting,
I won’t let it show, as tears run down my face
 
 
I don’t love him but he crawls in my head,
I don’t want him but he’s what I dream in bed,
I see like the blind, I have only faith,
That I will rise from the ashes,
That I will look past this,
I will not be the found,
Because I refuse to stay below ground,
Life shifts, times are to change
I don’t want this world to end without me,
I desire to dominate,
I desire to prove
To be everything a victor would,
No I’m not going battle,
Even if this worlds going to war,
I must battle with myself, my surroundings
I don’t want to be one gone before the ending,
I don’t know if I believe in God anymore,
But I think he should be there,
I think I need to believe in him for others,
Because if I’m not a miracle what is?
I don’t say that with arrogance,
I only speak what I’m told,
I don’t know how to channel the innocence,
The innocence I once had,
The type I still need today,
I just dream for things to improve,
But if I dream out loud I’m just a prude
No one wants to be told how to feel,
No one wants to feel anything that they aren’t feeling,
So why am I forcing myself to feel something?
Because right now I’d rather feel nothing,
I am losing everything, but little
I don’t know with the perplexed scheme of things,
I don’t want to get older, I want to keep that childhood,
I want to think vampires are an option,
That all the spirits are do-gooders.
But even then I was lying to myself,
Even then I knew otherwise

HeartSelfMade7668

Scars - Poem

Scars, scars bloody scars,
Don’t seem to know where you are,
Try, try, and try again,
Seen too many places, don’t know where I’ve been,
Hope, hope, vanishing hope,
Keep it inside, make nothing show,
Life, life, precious life,
Venture onward this path for vice,
 
Scream, scream, hollowing scream,
Wait in the dark until it’s a dream,
Test, test, failing test,
And they thought that the wise knew best,
Love, love, selfish love,
Until the end, nothings ever fully undone.
 
Heartselfmade7668

My kidney that my grandma gave me is failing

When I was almost 1, my kidney failed on me. My other kidney was premature, and was not functioning. Because of this my heart stopped, and I was rushed to the hospital. After spending a year on dialysis, my grandmother tested as a positive match, and she donated one of her kidneys to me. They looked at my health and said it my new kidney would last for seven years, and it ended up lasting for 20, and counting. My grandma and I have grown incredibly close, and I can't think of my life without her. Even though she's aged remarkably, and is now having health problems, I am realizing that me having her forever isn't going to happen. I just always thought, "I will have her kidney in me, so she will live on in me," and I could flatter myself with that idea, even though deep down, I know I will need a new kidney.

But now my kidney function is going down. And so is my grandma. I thought the worst thing when I wondered if I would lose them both at the same time. It's broken my heart thinking that. I know it's irrational, but it's possible. I guess I just need to excuse it, for now at least. I won't need to have surgery for 6-9 months, so I dream that I have time.


Nothing left to say - Poem

Theres nothing to say
I can’t think of one word
My head filled with thoughts
Time is just passing the hurt
I want to love
I want to live
I want to stay,
I want things to go fast
I want things to stay the same
Just open up and hear me speak
I’m dying here just to think
Theres nothing to say
Nothing to do
All I’m doing is waiting
Waiting all on you
I get so sick of this,
I want things to get done
I can’t just  stay here and sit
I can’t just get up and run
I have to know what I can accomplish
I can’t just live unestablished
I need to know what’s going to work
I could handle it with every quirk
But I’m not getting the communication
I’m just trying to make out assumptions
How can I know something that no one tells
How can I fight for me if everyone bails
Why don’t you just tell me what to think
Cause right now I got absolutely nothing,
I don’t know whats left in store
All I see is a moving van out the door
Where am I going? What am I going to do?
I have only questions I have no clue
Am I still out to show them all?
Because right now its all on stall
And damnit I need some ground
I need to know how to get out
All I ask is a little push,
But no ones giving me a look
I feel so backed out I feel so gone
I can’t see what I haven’t done
What I haven’t tried to get you to hear
That I don’t want to wait for another year
You say from a few days to a few months
But I can’t put my life on hold for your stunts.
What do you expect me to become?
And now there’s just nothing left to say...

Cutting the string after the knot was too tight to untie... (Paraphrasing)

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One Anxiety Attack of Mine

While I was at school, there was one time, one time where I let my anger, and anxiety get the best of me. Now there was a lot that happened, I must have had a stressful day already, but I sort of forced myself even before hand to forget about it the moment I got in line to go back to the group home. People then didn’t realize it, but I had a way of blocking a lot of it out. Actually, I only really remember bits and pieces, the really good moments, the moments that actually involved me, and the moments where I had a major realization.

This one moment, involved 2 of those- just not the one of happy ones. I was doing laundry, and I realized I spread myself too thin to cope properly. Now I had other moments back in that school, but this was a little different. I was able to get a few minutes to myself, although I barely managed asking for that without breaking into tears- although maybe that would have been better, because my pain wound of spewed out sooner. No one saw, but I was screaming from within, my whole body demanding it to get things back together. I was shaking profusely, and when they told me my time was up, it was way too soon. I knew I couldn’t control it, but I did my best anyways.

Once I snapped, the rest got harder, because I was only letting it out in drips- I didn’t want to let it come out at all. Words triggered the rest. I felt like it was going nowhere but down. I was right, of course.  I tried to show them how badly I was shaking, my tears making their way down my face, faster as I tried to explain my reasoning. I couldn’t hold myself anymore- the fight to control it all was just taking everything I had out of me. I went down stairs and sat, crying. Some tried to help, but quickly resorted to threats, which fueled my anger like sparking a rocket ship for launch. I bared it in, I fought the urges to fight. I knew that would only get me in a much, much worse state. My body naturally is a fighter- I could of kept them there for hours if my instincts told me to. I don’t like those instincts, I’d much rather disappear under the radar and be left alone. And that what I wanted to fight for. And that’s what I used to keep myself from attacking, my stronger desire to just be left alone.

Of course, they wouldn’t let me have it, that space I so desperately needed. So I improvised. I used the only trusted staff and screamed my head off, semi-safely bringing myself back down to a miserable tearing and snotty-nosed self. Eventually, I did give the mislead staff an apology, explained my reasonings, talked to her as maturely as I could, minus the tears and snot. I gave her a hug, even though at the time she was the most repulsive thing I could touch, especially since she said I was aggressive and hurt myself, which were accusations I didn’t do, and I hate liers. I never knew I hated them so much until that day. I also learned, about a year afterwards, standing in my shower at home no less- That what I still resent her, just because she never apologized back. I knew she felt bad, I remember being told so. She worried I hated her- Which I said I didn’t, and since resentment is different than hate, wasn’t a total lie. But even in this time, I think of who never apologizes, and it is amazing that it’s just about everyone I have “issues” with.

Giving up; not my tough side.

I’m not really good at giving up. All my life, I’ve fought. When my kidneys failed, I didn’t give up, even as a baby knocking on deaths door. I knew I was stubborn, I knew I was a little over determined in a lot of things, but I never thought of it as not giving up. I guess I didn’t associate giving up with bending myself to allow others to come and go, I simply thought they were in my life until they needed to leave. I held on to people after their supposed time should have passed. I was good at stretching the time out, making them want to stay, leading them, and then allowing them to slowly let me go, whether I pushed them away or they pushed me away. The time simply fell into my lap and I took it with a motive that things will change by the next week, or month, and it will be okay again for a while as I build up a new life for me to follow. Not life as in a path, or a change in personal self, but life as in another persons path. That is what I am. I’m here for the people and places around me. I never much cared for myself, only cared for myself being able to influence others, how they react to me and how I could make the reaction better or worse. I learned to read people not from actions, but reactions. I know when to stop, but I simply don’t. I don’t give up on telling people how I see things. I don’t give up on living no matter how badly I sometimes want to. I smile and grin at all hours and blow up in moments because I don’t give up on the role I need to follow. I don’t think about changing, or switching, just simply do it without hesitation and without rationality. I say things and prepare myself to be accepted and rejected. And I am very often given both at once. Maybe it’s because that’s what I put out, I accept someone and reject them back and forth every millisecond flashing giving not a mixed signal but a painfully clear one. You can never win, nor lose with me. It isn’t about that because I see it all and don’t give up on what I see. I’m not good at giving up, because what I see isn’t something to give up on. It isn’t something not to give up on. It simply is.

Depression and ways denial can help (Twisting Perspective)

One of the most difficult things about getting over depression is you have to lie to yourself that everything will be okay. People often say denial is bad, mainly because it’s usually about not willing to face something is there. It’s hard, because sometimes denial makes it easier to go on. It could be hurting you more in the long run, but that’s not true. It only hurts when you finally decide to stop denying it. Most often, that’s the trouble for depression. We actually in a way deny that things won’t deeply wound us, tell ourselves things that we wouldn’t believe. And if we believe in something so strongly, suddenly that strong belief is a form of denial. Not everything is always going to be okay. But even though it might not always be okay we may be able to get through it somehow. Of course not always, but we often tell ourselves that little 5 letter word “might” is enough to make it happen.  And for someone with that might feels like one of the only things that let’s our chests expand and contract. So yes, denial can be a dangerous thing if we allow it to get the worst of us. But it can also be the very thing that keeps us alive and afloat.

Love? No. Friendship? No. Lonely? Possibly.

So I was beginning to date this guy, Dustin, and things were pretty okay for the most part. I mean there were some bad signs; jail time, and fights, pot, a bad ex-group of friends that he "put behind him and moved on from" and past history that any respectable person would avoid judging someone for. Family issues are always a case, though, so no pointing fingers there cause we all have them. But he was much more experienced than I was, and wasn't exactly shy about it either (which can be quite hot- I won't lie) But idk, things started rough to begin with, I can hardly think of it all now. But there was definitely sexual pressures. And day after I got physical with him just sort of shredded things a bit. I mean for starters my ex just happened to come back in town, the last one I would say worth talking about, at least, Brad. I made past posts on him, I will leave a link at the end. He moved out to California and suddenly he shows back up (exactly 6 months later, which is weird). Anyways we talked and I figured I'd let my current boyfriend know, I guess that was dumb on my part. Anyways, Dustin was upset (but not jealous just... thrown off with trust) and that stirred things up. Then after I assured him Brad and I were "never ever ever getting back together" He said he wanted "anal" and I said I wasn't into that and he said "that is one of my deal breakers." I totally understood that, I mean can't get that from me and apparently he has it as his priority. THEN he said "it's not a deal breaker, you just have to be better at something else, and your not good at anything." well that made me feel soo much better (as if!) And after that it got all weird cause he wanted to see me and talk it out in person. Which I was planning to do. But one day Matt (younger brother) came into my room repeatively without knocking and pushy as I was talking to Dustin and so I'm all "Say hi Dustin" and Matt yelled into the phone "Fuck you" then "I'm not really a dick I just act like one" Dustin was fuming (well duh, with the bar fight thing in his history) and later (not right away, later) told me that if Matt talks to him like that again. I stuck up for my brother, told Dustin I needed a days space and after 24 hours I told him no more.

So then I am still talking to Brad through all of this, and is actually supportive of some of it, with good advice. I decided long before hand that IF I was to date him again he'd have to work at it. Anyways he doesn't what a relationship and we planned stay as friends so that was that. Anyways it's now feeling even more so over even on the friend basis. After Jeremy's wedding things have been screwing with me to no end and I'm just burning a path for myself. I just want to get through it. The relationships, the love life, the family issues going on, everything.

Fixing Me- Song

You’ve, taken,
All, that I have,
Just let-ting yourself in,
Unannounced,
Unpacking,
My Bagage, Relentlessly,
Saw, my ripped dress,
Took some needle,
And some thread,
Stitched, My heart,
Right up again,
You never thought,
I would, Rip those seams,
I’m unraveling, Impatiently,
 
How did you fix my broken heart,
Why did you have to make this love,
Why not let go from the start,
Why just leave me half undone,
Don’t you dare return now,
This is war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.
 
I am not,
That china doll,
You have to treat, fragilely,
I am not a teddy bear,
Not that cute, or cuddly,
I’m not a rocket ship,
You like to throw, into space,
You can’t fly me,
Like a silly toy jet,
And control, the pace,
I’ll just fall down,
And be lost, without a trace,
 
How did you fix my broken heart,
Why did you have to make this love,
Why not let go from the start,
Why just leave me half undone,
Don’t you dare return now,
This is war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.
 
Don’t you even dare,
Dare ask, if I’m okay,
We both know much better,
It doesn’t matter anyways,
I will lie, to your face,
The truth would be such a waste,
And no one means the question,
When no one really cares,
It’s only done as a formality,
I only speak to stop those stares,
 
How did you fix my broken heart,
Why did you have to make this love,
Why not let go from the start,
Why just leave me half undone,
Don’t you dare return now,
This is war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.
 
I am not, that sort of girl,
Who writes, herself to sleep,
Sometimes,
I’m that sort of girl,
Who falls in love, Hopelessly,
That little dress, and that china doll,
I am sometimes them when I cover up,
The teddy bear, the rocket ship, the silly jet,
All we wanted was to be in love,
 
Why did you fix my broken heart,
How did I  make this love,
How’d you let go from the start,
Don’t just leave me half undone,
Will you dare to return now,
Does this have to be war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.

All Wrong- Poem

______All Wrong______
It’s all wrong,
How I feel,
This isn’t right,
It shouldn’t be real,
I should have less spite,
This type of pain,
With someone so close,
This type of love,
I never chose,
Things have changed,
Hate has gained,
No one to point at,
Everyone to blame,
Sure it’s one fight,
But after 5 blow outs
It’s no longer one,
Now it’s cold out,
_________________________________
The wind as ice,
Whipping at my face,
Meeting my demise,
I hate this feeling,
So alone,
Without an “I love you”,
With no hand to hold,
I wish I could change,
To better myself,
But all that is arranged,
Has aided no help,
What hope is there?
For this repeated hate,
Why should I try,
When it will stay the same,
_________________________________
One cruel wish,
Was for her to die,
Just so me and mom,
Could bond to each other’s side,
I hate that wish,
It would’ve made things worse,
But not too much,
Cause everything still hurts,
_________________________________
Fallen angel that is at my side,
I beg you to tell me how to make right,
But only as a figment of my head,
You can tell me nothing, I must learn instead,
God I hate this,
Give me an aid,
The therapist advice,
Are all blown away,
 _________________________________
I wish I was still gone,
Back then I wasn’t in the wrong,
But sadly now I am back in place,
From hell and back, and has stayed the same,
I beg for a new beginning,
But changing the sights don’t save the living,
_________________________________
I can only dream I can do better on my own,
But I could never do that, not totally alone,
Yet even here I am lost in crap,
All this bickering behind each person’s back,
No one is capable of the truth,
We hide behind lies when asked to talk,
Say everything’s fine, or nothing at all,
I can’t even speak a word to my escape,
I’m told it’d be too hard and I feel it a waste,
Cause there nothing even she could do,
To take away the resentment I grew,
Nothing to remove what’s been done,
Nothing to change the darking sun,
Little light I see in the tunnel,
I might have to buy new light bulbs to glow,
Just so I see hope and that door,
That door to the next chapter, the next faze,
The start of a new day and age,
I can only hope it won’t be so bad,
Because right now being alone is all I have,
What exactly went all wrong?
I don’t know but it’s just been done,


Too bad

            Too Bad          

It's too bad you don't love me,
I really wish you would care,
But I can't control your feelings,
Even when I see you stare,
Yeah I think you could be in denial,
or just not wanting to admit,
The type of a relationship you want,
Would have me in it,
Sure this is just a dumb poem,
And yeah it's confusing and dark,
But I wish you could just see me,
So you know how to make a love spark


When someone you love is dying...

When someone you love is dying. Do not think badly, and know that love is so strong it will keep you next to her, no matter how many miles, or worlds apart. Love your wife now and treasure each moment. And do not over think of her being gone, just enjoy her while she is still here. Solidify your memories now, and make the most of all the good old times, because they can turn back time in a way that hurts with joy.

Facing Purpose

I think when people face old age, they try and look at things from a down hill attitude, when instead it should be enlightening in some ways. We all tell stories of our lives and we relive ourselves through our memories. I mean I'm not dying soon, but I still talk about my past like a grandparent would tell a kid, like a fantasy. People need to hold on to fantasy, because it is what can sometimes cure the bitterness of realty. Like saying there's a heaven. just so someone won't feel like the world around them and they themselves are leaving and going into nothingness. Nothingness is depressing. Nothingness makes a person weak. When you feel like nothing will get better, the nothingness inside eats a person apart. And giving purpose relieves nothingness. Give life purpose, and give death purpose.

1-20 of 62 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Nothing Empty- POEM, posted February 4th, 2014
I Wonder - POEM, posted December 31st, 2013
Do I believe in God? I kinda have to., posted December 1st, 2013, 2 comments
Sensing Spirits - Poem, posted November 30th, 2013
Toys. Time Portals In Disguise. (Don't Judge Me!), posted November 30th, 2013
5 Smart-Savvy Splurges for a Lovely Lady, posted October 8th, 2013
Moving On Moving Past - Poem, posted October 6th, 2013
Scars - Poem, posted October 6th, 2013
My kidney that my grandma gave me is failing, posted August 12th, 2013
Nothing left to say - Poem, posted August 8th, 2013
Cutting the string after the knot was too tight to untie... (Paraphrasing), posted July 1st, 2013
One Anxiety Attack of Mine, posted June 3rd, 2013
Giving up; not my tough side., posted May 22nd, 2013
Depression and ways denial can help (Twisting Perspective), posted May 11th, 2013
Love? No. Friendship? No. Lonely? Possibly., posted April 21st, 2013
Fixing Me- Song, posted April 18th, 2013
All Wrong- Poem, posted March 27th, 2013
Too bad, posted March 17th, 2013
When someone you love is dying..., posted February 8th, 2013
Facing Purpose, posted February 8th, 2013
Watching my Grandma Come Closer To The End, posted January 21st, 2013
New Year resolutions and why I don't have any., posted January 8th, 2013
The Type of Friends I Have Would...., posted December 16th, 2012
A persons happiness, posted December 10th, 2012
Plastic and Scars, posted November 25th, 2012
Not Talking- Poem, posted November 16th, 2012
2 years of posts, posted October 29th, 2012
You know how people say every part of your life has pro and cons?, posted October 22nd, 2012
Somethings There Within Me, posted October 21st, 2012
I can't sleep and don't know why, posted October 8th, 2012
He's Back, posted October 7th, 2012
My heart will go on, posted October 6th, 2012
Can't sleep, posted October 5th, 2012
I wish my dad would try and make it less obvious.., posted October 4th, 2012
They Tell Us Everything's Alright, posted September 30th, 2012
The Hardest Part of the Relationship, posted September 27th, 2012
There's Something There.., posted September 26th, 2012
My Heart Protection Program, posted September 25th, 2012
From The Inside Out - Poem, posted September 19th, 2012
Why the republicans and democrats are more animal than ever, posted September 12th, 2012
About someone I don't talk about., posted September 11th, 2012
About someone I don't talk about., posted September 11th, 2012
Breath- MUST READ! POWERFUL! Leaves you speechless!, posted September 7th, 2012
Breath- MUST READ! POWERFUL! Leaves you speechless!, posted September 7th, 2012
The Conquer of Love- Poem, posted September 7th, 2012
I Have Returned *Dramatic Music*, posted September 7th, 2012
Story: Falling Back Into Place Chapter 1:, posted June 11th, 2011
Can I save myself from making the same mistakes?, posted February 16th, 2011, 1 comment
The Depth of Life- Quote, posted January 29th, 2011
RANDOM, posted January 19th, 2011
1-50 of 68 Blog Posts   

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