heartselfmade7668's Blog

Chapter 1:
                I take a hesitant glance towards Luke Emmet, the cutest guy in 10 grade and the smartest guy in my Social Studies class. He was a foreign exchange student from England; he transferred here about 5 months ago. I begin to stare without realizing it. The he looks in my direction, obviously not seeing me, like I’m undetectable to the human eye. But I quickly shot my head down anyways, embarrassed. I looked up; Luke’s eyes were an amazing dark brown color and his hair was honey blond with a slight curl on the ends, (he also had a fantastic smile).
            He turned his head back to the front of the classroom, clearly uninterested- even if he did see me, when Mr. Rulipe began to rant about something about the civil war or whatever. He re-opened his notebook, and embarked on taking notes. I lowered my head awkwardly and tried to read the chapter on my own.
            Well, I said I tried. I only gawked at the page absentmindedly; the words were faint and distant. My mind was completely perplexed and flat out empty, totally unfair. I glanced up at the clock, the bell would be ringing any minute and my misery would end- well, for now. I looked unhappily around the class. Luke was just finishing his assignment. His elbow was on the desk and he was supporting his head with his hand. I looked down at my bare piece of paper with only my signature, Jennifer Leam, and the date.  Luke stood up suddenly, walked to the teacher’s desk and handed Mr. Rulipe his homework. Mr. Rulipe smiled, impressed by Luke’s momentum, and praised him by giving him a mini Twix. Luke gracefully thanked him and departed back to his seat. I was a chair over and 2 desks back behind him, so I couldn’t help but observe his behind; which was quite attractive (- just saying,). Mackie Kendraw, one of the more popular girls who sat next to me, also gave him a look. She bit her lip and smiled as she gazed, making it extremely noticeable she liked the view. Then she flickered her foul eyes towards me and gave me a look of disgust, as if I was offending her.
The bell rang, (finally!) and the whole class jumped to their feet and hassled out the door. Luke was the only one other than me to hang back and to take his time. I quickly got flustered as I walked down my row of desks, working hard not to look at him.
“Well, that was an interesting class period,” he said simply, still putting his text books in his dark green corduroy shoulder bag, not looking up. His accent made me blush, I had to think fast, I didn’t know if he was asking or saying.
“Um, yeah, it was pretty- um- different.” I said back, trying not to stutter or act nervous.
“Well, it’s not anything I’ve learned.” He replied plainly glancing up for a second allowing our eyes to meet, then darting them back down. I did the same, more out of nerves than anything. “I saw you were rather intent with your studies, did you understand it?” he asked smoothly looking slightly humiliated as he looked up again. We somehow were walking very slowly out the door together, both avoiding each other’s gaze and awkwardly trying to make conversation.
“Actually I was just blankly staring at the paper,” I laughed shyly, “So no, I have no clue what was going on.” I blushed after I said it- I was being honest.
“Well I can understand that. You probably can imagine how I felt when I arrived in America, then, in a completely different universe. A ‘new world’ as some might say.” He smiled slightly and so did I, the history books always referred America as “the new world” back when it was first discovered, so it made sense he could use that term since he was from England.
“Didn’t the Vikings first discover America?” I asked feeling slightly stupid, because I didn’t know.
“Um, yes. But before then the Russians or something… Because of the Ice Age, they traveled here through Canada,” Luke paused for a second and then said, “I think.” Then snickered softly.
“Why are we talking about this?” I pointed out. I smiled proudly with a laugh.
“I don’t know. But the bell will be sure to ring soon, and my next class is at the other side of the school.”  He said like he was disappointed that he had to go.
“Oh,” I said a little surprised, acknowledging what time it was, “Okay.”
“I’ll see you after school or tomorrow, or something” he smiled as he walked away.
I smiled widely as I walked way, my head swimming with accomplishment.  For the next several classes, my cheeks nearly hurt from the amount of excitement I felt. When I saw Natalie, my best friend, she started bouncing in place simply from my expression.
“Oh- My- Gosh!” she said as if it was all one word; then demanded, “What happened? Tell me everything!”
“Oh c’mon Natalie, it’s not like I’m never happy” I teased, but making it obvious I wanted to spill the news, “I just had a friendly talk with, well Luke!” I smiled dramatically as she took her hand and playfully pushed her hanging jaw back to her mouth. She held her breath for about a few seconds dancing on her tippy-toes trying not to scream. I just smiled really big with my eyes closed tight trying to avoid the same.
“Jen ya’ll gotta’ take deep slow breaths now ‘cause you hav’ta remember this feelin’! Ya’ll know I’m righ’!” a familiar said in a cute southern accent from behind Natalie.
“Gracie! Hey! I didn’t see you there,” I said as she revealed herself behind the hallway corner and gave a sassy smile. Her explosion of dark red curls swirled around her shoulders bringing out her bright green eyes and freckles, as she leaned her arm against the grey lockers she lifted her eye brow expecting details. “How’ve you been?” I asked in a slight rush, my enthusiasm was making me shake a little.
“I’m fine,” she smiled even bigger, “Now don’t stall and just tell us. Com’ on, I gotta’ get on the bus!”
“It really wasn’t much; we just walked out of class together.” I said finally realizing the initial thrill of it all was over.”
“Well did ya’ll talk? Was he hotter up close? You didn’t trip or nothing right?” Gracie asked all too quickly.
“Well- yeah, no I didn’t trip-”
“Did he smile? Was he cuter than normal? Did he ask you out?” Natalie continued Gracie’s questions and the same impatient speed.
“Well he-”
“Did he kiss you?!” Gracie added in.
“Guys! Slow down. Yes.  Kinda, duh! No I didn’t! Yes. Yeah a bit. No and no.” I answered rethinking their questions in order, starting to feel the thrill again.
“OMG-OMG-OMG!” they both squealed loudly as my cheeks turned pink again. Then I saw my mom’s small car pull up and she waved me over. I hugged my friends goodbye and walked quickly over to her and climbed in the front seat.

Okay so I'd probably should mention the mistake and the short-version details behind it. I cheated. I didn't really realize I was cheating sense it was long distance. The other thing was it was all online. I kind of three-cheated by dating 2 diffent guys, and had "friendly" incounters with other guys. I, of course, realized it all too late and did it again to another guy, who this guy was only a city away. I caught myself shortly in the middle of it and broke it off (though the dating was kind of a friends thing that we called dating,). Then met another guy (my most rescent ex) and stopped the cheating thing. but things didnt work out because of "honesty" though that time I was being honest, just not the kind he wanted.

There were times where i had great diffuclty dealing with myself and handling myself-inficked anxiety with all of those guys, and that kind of pushed them away. I can't let that go out of fear of opening up and letting them open up, and then me failing to keep myself under control along with keeping the relationship. It's not the guy I'm worried about, it's me destorying any bond we might of had /will have.

I can't ruin this one, it's devestating enough that I was the reason the last boyfriend(s) and I failed at the relationship.... I don't think I could take another one of my own lessons.

"The depth of life goes so far its literally unimaginable for a simple human brain can measure yet we have enough mass to accept it." -Michelle

Love- HeartSelfMade7668

My annoying random favorites:

My favorite word to say: Hippopotamus
My favorite word to spell: Mississippi
My favorite phrase: hakuna matata OR super cala fragalistic expialidoshus
My favorite sing-along song: C is for Cookie -by- The Cookie Monster

...that is all

Love- Heatselfmade7668

How do you open your eyes to the unknown?
I've seen questions and answers in this website where people discuss that the the things we don't see actually exist like "vampires" and "werewolves", all you have to do is open your eyes to them.
I don't even know what to believe in. If there is thins like that, how do you spot them?
 
My answer:
It isn't really about being able to see them or spot them. its the simple whether your willing to accept into the eyes and allow yourself to feel a deeper meaning for the ways of the world, it's why people read the bible or study witchcraft or work on science, its our way of uncovering why the earth is earth and how did the air we breathe get here. the thing that is the most intriguing to us about all of this is because of how much we DON'T know.

You may never find vampires or werewolves, but I know there are spirits (ghosts, angels) all around me, right now actually too, lol, I don't see them exactly but i can feel their presences

That was my answer (hopefully I wont get in trouble with the asker for posting this) *fingers crossed*

Love- Heartselfmade7668

I am here, not much to say,
If it matters, anyways,
On a hill,
Or in the sea,
Life will keep moving around me,
As life goes, I stay still,
For i'm just a speck on the world,

Bigger things out there,
Than just me,
Yet i still stumble
On who to be,
Life is large
In many things,
But the little stuff holds to peoples dreams,

If I'm alone, though thats not true,
Would it matter what i would do?
Would it matter, if i could fly?
And spread my wings towards the skys,
Would I care what some would say?
Or would i just do things anyways?

I am here, not much to say,
So I still dream of life someday,

-HeartSelfMade

Throughout this last week, I realized that the guy I truly loved was gone. he's been gone for about a year actually, but still only now do i realize how much i wasted.
It was a simple friendship that hit off without a scratch, the more we learned about the other the more we joked about being a "prefect match". Sadly it wasn't near perfect. we had too much in commen, sensitive, respectful, unsure, shy... which made it hard to push forward. He had a tiny bit more of unsurity in some places, like if he really wanted to date. after that opstical, my hard unsurity was less about my love for him, and more about my emotions in a whole. I'm bipolar and plenty of other things where of course people can only understand it so far and then- it cracks. It wasn't exactly my fault for giving him wrong answers because at that point i was just guessing. But (like me) an "i don't know" wasn't good enough. And it quickly crashed... then slowly ended. (it ended slowly because neither of us really wanted it to end)

I ran away maybe a month or so ago crying my eyes out and was at the park looking for shattered glass planning to cut myself. I knew my family would listen to my distress, but at that point family wasnt really much at all. And my whole mind was crying for the only person who I knew that would of talked to me all night calming me down... which was of course, him. But it had ended long before that.. and it was like there was no point.

And Now.. I still wish I had him even as just a friend, someone to talk to.... and its all over.

Trapped… What does word mean?
I'm trapped within my body, unable to get out.
I'm trapped with the unmerciful mind of negativity that limits my thoughts down to the ashes on the ground were my supposed body once stood. 
Trapped?

Trapped... What does the word mean?
I'm trapped in the house, moving like a caged lion throughout the pit of despair,
Only every few seconds re-realizing that my only limit is simply anxiety taking over my body like some haunted demon lashing though my brain.
Trapped?

Trapped… by the definition simply states “To prevent from escaping or getting free”
Where I cannot escape from my uncontrollable thoughts of pain, where slitting a knife on a wrist isn’t good enough if your still simply, "trapped"…...

By: HeartSelfMade

-with someone, something. Something to pour my heart into. Something that won't walk away once it's finished with me. Something that I can hold, and love, or feel something like love. Something that relies on me, just as much as I rely on it.

When I had Alexander it was as if my heart was complete.. that little kitten dug into my heart, pericing it with a drill unlike any other.  He was just born... and it was hours until I held him for the first time, his eyes and ears closed, innocent yet strong. Innocent- because he was weak, naive, and willing. Strong- because he was brave enough, without knowing, to allow himself to whom he would touch. He had a spirit within him, knowing everything that could come and still willing to accept the unknown. Like a little baby, so new ready to learn.

Giving him away, to someone else.. was easy. because I knew beforehand it was the best choice for him. And for once my life wants weren't ahead of someone else's needs. Is that so bad? To want that infinant connection? To feel needed, instead of wanted? Is it worth looking for again or was it one of those 'already happened' type things?

From--MyHeartsSelfMade7668

 


This video really made me think about alot of stuff, it- well, yeah, you'll get it once you watch it

Ok so the best part of thanksgiving was at the diner table we were talking about how my uncle brad (the girls swim coach at our highschool) saw my cousin Katie (his daughter) at the lunch table one day in the schools cafateria sitting with this boy. so uncle brad said "whos this" and katie said "no one" (really her boyfriend).

so as the students exited the lunch room, my uncle brad saw them holding hands, so he texted her saying "it was nice of you to walk the blind boy out of the cafateria" Katies boyfriend wasnt really blind though.

well now the whole school calls this guy "the blind kid" from my uncles text message. our family was making jokes on the "blind kid"- So my younger brother matt (17 yrs old) said "thats terrible letting a blind kid walk home" and so we all started laughing really hard cause he didnt get the joke!

today i started writing a little song, but I think I'm going to just keep it like a small poem. It's just kinda a way of saying to get up, live your dreams, live life as it goes by, and well, don't stay in yesterday

Yesterday

If life started yesterday,
Then why are you standing here,
Waiting for the world to change,
Or for you to go somewhere,
Start breathin’, Cause it’s yesterday,
Don’t stop til the world has changed,
Don’t hold back and live your dreams,
And give your breath a life to breathe,
Now let us stand a day away from yesterday,

Written By-  Ellen (AKA)-


Your- HeartSelfMade

So as you've noticed the last blog post was REALLY bad and disrespectful and inappoprate to post. So hopefully you all understand that I was really stressed out and overwelmed- Sadly I didn't handle it properly, but I'm going to leave it so EVERYONE see's that your not the only people who make (or have made) that tragic mistake. Please don't judge me on that, because trust me I yell at myself even after my families words of critisism have faded. I continue to ache over the situation creating this particular post.

Your- HeartsSelfMade

So me and my brother got in a HUGE fight last night, mostly because he literally picks up on words and NOT on the full sentence. But besides that I had an break-down within the middle-to-end of it. And I said some stuff I truly regret. I was thinking all night long about my apolagy.. thinking of ways to tell him I'm sorry.

I back-flashed over my words, I was holding a picture if my Grandmother that passed away in 2008, yelling at him telling him- more like reminding harshly- about how he said how much he hated her, and i told him how much he said she hated him, and since she was so stubborn to love him she let it go, like it never happened... and I screamed "how would she feel if she knew what your doing to yourself? to your family?" 
 
Now I can say this in confidience, but he's punched my step-dad, and knocked him out. Then, only about 6-8 months ago he hit my mom on the top of the head (she's had neck surgery twice before hand). Well he bragged about hitting Bill, and seemed to have NO GUILT over mom's pain now going on since the "accident"

If you read any of my other posts or comments on other peoples things, you'll find I admit to abusing my old dog, Chloe. Now I live with that guilt (noticably) every second of day, just looking around my neighborhood, constantly reminded of it. Trust me that I feel that pain swelling within me minute by minute. and it triples a thousand times just awaring myself of it. And he bragged on knocking out his step dad... how much "guilt" does that show?

Now trust me, I know I went too far, I even started to slit my wrist (because he showed me his cuts on himself at one point) I guess telling him "how does it feel watching someone else, your family, tourture themselves effortlessly, just to show you they feel pain... you think that your cuts are worth showing off? then take a peek at me showing you my 'dirty work?' not so fun anymore is it" I feel so terrible... and then this morning he was verbally attacking my mom, and it was like last night was nothing but just some "sister" crisis he had to put up with. and it was like my guilt was taken and my hate was back.... and he still didnt see.........

It's like I hate who he's become, and I hate myself for letting him become it, and I hate myself even more cause I can't stop it and I ONLY make it worse... I try to "ignore it" but if it's unignorable then how am i going to get through it without coming out with scares.. or MORE scares?

Your- HeartSelfMade

People just don't get that I have a gift. I may have a medical list thats enough to fill a book and then some.. people can look or talk to me and its like i'm just another person.. but I'm lucky and special. Like someone with a disorder thats noticable only worse, people can SEE they have a problem, because the apperance shows.. for me all my problems are hidden, the only stuff seen are the scares on my stomach. but like a noticable disordered, i have gifts of wisdom that only average person only can dream of, I'm like Baytoben, Enstien, Shakespeare, and hell, even Jesus, only people can't see that i'm like them, so they can't see my strength within... only after i'm dead will people suddenly realize I wasn't crazy. laugh at that, i mean, think about those world-wide famous people I listed.. all of them were dead before they were the greatest peoplse on earth... except for Jesus.. he lives on; what A.D. really means is "Amous Domious- In the year of the lord" NOT "After Death" learned that in 6th grade =D (spellings wrong though) but B.C.'s still Before Christ.

Your- HeartSelfMade

Love to me is the most powerful word I can think of, it is more than just a lust of emotion, it's the closest thing we have to magic, or God. even some churches mistake the word of love for a simple feeling, and then others make it seem like its an impossible way of life only Jesus could feel. I believe love can be found in anyone, with anyone. No matter who or what the life is, but it also comes with knowing someone, deeper than just words or actions, for words and actions simply express it. If God wanted anyone to feel love, then why did he hide it so deep within our souls.. our making. He did it, because when a person found it, they would be forever at peace with themselves. And as other people saw that soul come alive, so very differently from everyday life, they choose to search for the same thing. But it's within yourself to find it, love is the first-class connection to living, to breathing, to life! to the world of Heaven.....

Please don't think I'm preaching, I'm telling you what my soul tells me love is. I believe in spirits and ghost and I have my Guardian Angel watching over me, people think I'm crazy- and I'm happy about it, the craziest people are the ones with the most inner wisdom, like Shakespear, Baytoben, Eintsien, Jesus, and so on and so forth...

So as people listen to them, listen to me, I might surprise you.....
Your- HeartSelfMade

Things are getting so much worse, found out new info on my "disorders" at the doc's today... don't even know where to start if you ask... i wonder why i exist. i have so many health problems, mental health issues, and emotional complications. how much can one girl take? when i can't walk away from it, like people can walk away from abuse, or hatred, it's stuck on me. (not saying people can walk away from abuse, i was just meaning in the literal sense- sorry if anyone got offended)
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Orgianally Posted On

October 12, 2010 

Your- HeartsSelfMade

I've suffered from depression for 6 years. What I hate the most about it is just wishing you could be normal... I can stand in a room with all my best, happiest friends and that would only make it hurt more, because everyone around me are smiling and laughing, and I can't even fake a smile. It's not that I'm alone, but no one see's that insane amount of pain I'm in, and much less comes over and asks. Who would want to be with someone who hates life so much? Yet they don't realize they're half of why I hate it... they can deal with it, they can still go on, but for some dumb reason I can't.

Your- HeartSelfMade