heartselfmade7668's Blog

I’m not really good at giving up. All my life, I’ve fought. When my kidneys failed, I didn’t give up, even as a baby knocking on deaths door. I knew I was stubborn, I knew I was a little over determined in a lot of things, but I never thought of it as not giving up. I guess I didn’t associate giving up with bending myself to allow others to come and go, I simply thought they were in my life until they needed to leave. I held on to people after their supposed time should have passed. I was good at stretching the time out, making them want to stay, leading them, and then allowing them to slowly let me go, whether I pushed them away or they pushed me away. The time simply fell into my lap and I took it with a motive that things will change by the next week, or month, and it will be okay again for a while as I build up a new life for me to follow. Not life as in a path, or a change in personal self, but life as in another persons path. That is what I am. I’m here for the people and places around me. I never much cared for myself, only cared for myself being able to influence others, how they react to me and how I could make the reaction better or worse. I learned to read people not from actions, but reactions. I know when to stop, but I simply don’t. I don’t give up on telling people how I see things. I don’t give up on living no matter how badly I sometimes want to. I smile and grin at all hours and blow up in moments because I don’t give up on the role I need to follow. I don’t think about changing, or switching, just simply do it without hesitation and without rationality. I say things and prepare myself to be accepted and rejected. And I am very often given both at once. Maybe it’s because that’s what I put out, I accept someone and reject them back and forth every millisecond flashing giving not a mixed signal but a painfully clear one. You can never win, nor lose with me. It isn’t about that because I see it all and don’t give up on what I see. I’m not good at giving up, because what I see isn’t something to give up on. It isn’t something not to give up on. It simply is.

One of the most difficult things about getting over depression is you have to lie to yourself that everything will be okay. People often say denial is bad, mainly because it’s usually about not willing to face something is there. It’s hard, because sometimes denial makes it easier to go on. It could be hurting you more in the long run, but that’s not true. It only hurts when you finally decide to stop denying it. Most often, that’s the trouble for depression. We actually in a way deny that things won’t deeply wound us, tell ourselves things that we wouldn’t believe. And if we believe in something so strongly, suddenly that strong belief is a form of denial. Not everything is always going to be okay. But even though it might not always be okay we may be able to get through it somehow. Of course not always, but we often tell ourselves that little 5 letter word “might” is enough to make it happen.  And for someone with that might feels like one of the only things that let’s our chests expand and contract. So yes, denial can be a dangerous thing if we allow it to get the worst of us. But it can also be the very thing that keeps us alive and afloat.

So I was beginning to date this guy, Dustin, and things were pretty okay for the most part. I mean there were some bad signs; jail time, and fights, pot, a bad ex-group of friends that he "put behind him and moved on from" and past history that any respectable person would avoid judging someone for. Family issues are always a case, though, so no pointing fingers there cause we all have them. But he was much more experienced than I was, and wasn't exactly shy about it either (which can be quite hot- I won't lie) But idk, things started rough to begin with, I can hardly think of it all now. But there was definitely sexual pressures. And day after I got physical with him just sort of shredded things a bit. I mean for starters my ex just happened to come back in town, the last one I would say worth talking about, at least, Brad. I made past posts on him, I will leave a link at the end. He moved out to California and suddenly he shows back up (exactly 6 months later, which is weird). Anyways we talked and I figured I'd let my current boyfriend know, I guess that was dumb on my part. Anyways, Dustin was upset (but not jealous just... thrown off with trust) and that stirred things up. Then after I assured him Brad and I were "never ever ever getting back together" He said he wanted "anal" and I said I wasn't into that and he said "that is one of my deal breakers." I totally understood that, I mean can't get that from me and apparently he has it as his priority. THEN he said "it's not a deal breaker, you just have to be better at something else, and your not good at anything." well that made me feel soo much better (as if!) And after that it got all weird cause he wanted to see me and talk it out in person. Which I was planning to do. But one day Matt (younger brother) came into my room repeatively without knocking and pushy as I was talking to Dustin and so I'm all "Say hi Dustin" and Matt yelled into the phone "Fuck you" then "I'm not really a dick I just act like one" Dustin was fuming (well duh, with the bar fight thing in his history) and later (not right away, later) told me that if Matt talks to him like that again. I stuck up for my brother, told Dustin I needed a days space and after 24 hours I told him no more.

So then I am still talking to Brad through all of this, and is actually supportive of some of it, with good advice. I decided long before hand that IF I was to date him again he'd have to work at it. Anyways he doesn't what a relationship and we planned stay as friends so that was that. Anyways it's now feeling even more so over even on the friend basis. After Jeremy's wedding things have been screwing with me to no end and I'm just burning a path for myself. I just want to get through it. The relationships, the love life, the family issues going on, everything.

You’ve, taken,
All, that I have,
Just let-ting yourself in,
Unannounced,
Unpacking,
My Bagage, Relentlessly,
Saw, my ripped dress,
Took some needle,
And some thread,
Stitched, My heart,
Right up again,
You never thought,
I would, Rip those seams,
I’m unraveling, Impatiently,
 
How did you fix my broken heart,
Why did you have to make this love,
Why not let go from the start,
Why just leave me half undone,
Don’t you dare return now,
This is war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.
 
I am not,
That china doll,
You have to treat, fragilely,
I am not a teddy bear,
Not that cute, or cuddly,
I’m not a rocket ship,
You like to throw, into space,
You can’t fly me,
Like a silly toy jet,
And control, the pace,
I’ll just fall down,
And be lost, without a trace,
 
How did you fix my broken heart,
Why did you have to make this love,
Why not let go from the start,
Why just leave me half undone,
Don’t you dare return now,
This is war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.
 
Don’t you even dare,
Dare ask, if I’m okay,
We both know much better,
It doesn’t matter anyways,
I will lie, to your face,
The truth would be such a waste,
And no one means the question,
When no one really cares,
It’s only done as a formality,
I only speak to stop those stares,
 
How did you fix my broken heart,
Why did you have to make this love,
Why not let go from the start,
Why just leave me half undone,
Don’t you dare return now,
This is war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.
 
I am not, that sort of girl,
Who writes, herself to sleep,
Sometimes,
I’m that sort of girl,
Who falls in love, Hopelessly,
That little dress, and that china doll,
I am sometimes them when I cover up,
The teddy bear, the rocket ship, the silly jet,
All we wanted was to be in love,
 
Why did you fix my broken heart,
How did I  make this love,
How’d you let go from the start,
Don’t just leave me half undone,
Will you dare to return now,
Does this have to be war,
You asked for what’s coming,
I told you what’s in store,
But you wouldn’t just let it be,
You just had to keep fixing me.

When someone you love is dying. Do not think badly, and know that love is so strong it will keep you next to her, no matter how many miles, or worlds apart. Love your wife now and treasure each moment. And do not over think of her being gone, just enjoy her while she is still here. Solidify your memories now, and make the most of all the good old times, because they can turn back time in a way that hurts with joy.

I think when people face old age, they try and look at things from a down hill attitude, when instead it should be enlightening in some ways. We all tell stories of our lives and we relive ourselves through our memories. I mean I'm not dying soon, but I still talk about my past like a grandparent would tell a kid, like a fantasy. People need to hold on to fantasy, because it is what can sometimes cure the bitterness of realty. Like saying there's a heaven. just so someone won't feel like the world around them and they themselves are leaving and going into nothingness. Nothingness is depressing. Nothingness makes a person weak. When you feel like nothing will get better, the nothingness inside eats a person apart. And giving purpose relieves nothingness. Give life purpose, and give death purpose.

   My grandma. The words I use to describe her: Wonder Woman. She is all that I aspire to be. She has lived such a legacy in her that I can't imagine the world without her. She could twirl fire with her baton on the forth of July, show my brothers how to do a hand stand in the living room, give unlimited amount of time for everyone. And my most valued: She gave me her kidney when I was 2 years old, so I could live. She married my Grandpa, and was so lucky to have the rare marriage that people would call it the "ideal" but really, it is the "fantasy" marriage people could have. She did Hawaiian dance with me, and helped form who I am today, and who I will be from now on. She has infulenced my life in such amazing ways if I tried to tell you I would be here all year talking.
   She's gotten sick though, old actually. Age does that to people. It all starts in little steps, First she stopped twirling from Arthritus. then of course those hand stands stopped pretty much at the same time. It graduated on, through my childhood. A few years ago she had to give up her leadership at the church, no longer able to be in charge of decorating and funeral dinners. I remember how hard that was for her, she struggled with her stubborn self I'm surprised she didn't have to have someone strap her down to keep her from bossing everyone, telling them they put that in the wrong box, or that the boxes won't fit in the closet and they needed to be moved to proper order. Now things have gotten suddenly harder. She sees the doctor because her eyes started seeing a dot moving in her vision. She found out it was permenate, and with that she then has trouble breathing- and she finds there are problems with her lungs. She gets put on predizone, so much my doctor giving me medicine tells me "she has a right to go crazy, people would go crazy on 10 miligrams, much less 60!". I have anxiety, and her being moody like that, so unbalanced, so not herself. She always had a coolness to her, she normally hid her temper extremely well. Only behind closed doors did she opened it a sliver. Not even that much, a hair maybe. We even called her "Judge Judy" because she was firm, but fair. She always was level headed, and seeing her act so up and down, it was scary. This was only a few weeks ago. Before she got sick.
   This last week, she got sick, she started having double vision. And, of course, it gave her a very bad headache with really horrible dizziness- which would happen to anyone seeing double and a dot. She stayed in bed all week, and me sick myself, (With a migrane, a sore throat, and a stomach ache,) went to get away from my dog barking at me, because she just wanted to. I slept a lot, but when I was awake I constantly had to be there for my grandma, and when it hurt to move myself, it all made it diffcult. I was guilted into it, because I love her too much not to. I just hate seeing her so helpless. She could barely walk to the bathroom, she slept in her lazy boy chair, because she couldn't move across the house to get to her bed. And she yelled at grandpa for trying to show her some bills. He was trying to keep her up to date, of course. He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Grandma was so good at being at the top of things, he just wanted her to feel like she was still worth something. She looks like she feels so useless, so unable. She screams fear. I don't blame her, I would too. I see her eyes and I know she thinks of herself dying. And that thought is unbearable for all of us, me and my family just watch her, aching with her. She's far from gone, but this a big is a step closer to it being so. I believe in my spirits, I know she will never be truly gone and that she will watch over us. Then she will go to heaven and be there forever with God. But watching this happen is still heart breaking. It is losing a part of me, and with her kidney in mine I beg it will never fail on me. I never want it to die and be gone like the rest of her body. I want to be buried with it, her forever attached to me with mind and body. It sounds selfish and it breaks my normal menatlities to think of it like that. I know she will always be attached to me in my heart. She will always be a piece of me, long after all of our bodies decompose and beyond past when the world will end. I know our souls will be circled together regardless of rebirth. We will be together again and again. And I have nothing to worry about. But in this life, and this moment, I don't want it to ever to end. I don't want to see my life without her by my side and a phone call away.

Okay, so for starters I would like to say that for most people they choose resolutions that typically are things like: lose weight, stop smoking, and find a better job. Now that is all truly wonderful, but Why do you ave to wait until new years eve to write it all down and decide to do it? Now personally I want to loose weight, and get my GED and get a drivers license. The thing is, I started working on my GED about 2 months ago. I have to work on the working out thing, because gym memberships for the people who don't know how to use exercise equipment are more expensive because the trainer teaches you all that stuff. But I am still figuring out how I can work this to my advantage. But, back to my main subject. The reality shows that the majority of "New Year Resolutions" fail because of lack of proper planning and lack of motivation. Just like any unfinished goal that we wish we could achieve but through action decide otherwise. Basically I find that if everyone is planning to achieve some goals all at once with a lack of true desire, no one will carry them out. We can't make things happen over night. We can't make ourselves suddenly motivated to do something. I mean I had to work to be motivated about getting my GED. I had to keep telling myself it was the most important thing I had to to gain Independence. After that I will be motivated to go to college to maintain and gain more of an Independence, and it will keep going past 2013. It won't end at the end of the year, and to want to do soo much in such limited time sounds far fetched and irrational. Making someone less motivated and more likely to quick. Yes, it's a fabulous concept, New Year, New You, but it is unrealistic. I say this. make a 2 year resolution list. This year and next year and sort out a plan, and a motivation team. at the end of this year, look at that list and say "I got only this much farther to go" and you finish off that first list while starting another. Make it less or more time, maybe only ave a 6 month resolution, instead if it's less intimidating. Baiscally choose a time period and a goal and review at your half point. It tells you ow much more time you will need to finish and give you an idea of what else you might need to do to get it done in time.

In every persons life, there is one thing that we are willed to want. to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed, to have, and to be happy. I read a lot, watch movies, talk to friends. And everyone is searching for it. I know I'm preaching to the choir here. When I deal with relationships it's sort of like everyone has their reasons, everyone has their purpose of the actions they make. Even when people don't realize it or make sense of it. It's sort of amazing though, the people of the world some how making it all work and function. People tend to forget that the little people are the ones that make the biggest change. Everyone has there part, and that doesn't mean the fool is stupid, or the wise man has the answers, but what we take from those people. I've noticed that humanity has lost sight of common sense, whether it's because of technology has taken all the thought out of thinking. Or that we all just seem to want to care less, go into denial about the world getting harder and they don't want to take it on the way it needs to be. Too stubborn to try and change the ways of life forever. I know that even within my own household, I want so badly to grow to independance. But I know that when I sit down and talk about finances, my wall go up with this big whoosh and I block out everything, even if it could be helpful in the future. I guess happiness isn't being at a place, it's being able to get somewhere without feeling forced, or rejected or ruined in the process. Maybe happiness is simply the will to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved and cared for. I would be happy if.... I would be happy if.....

Well, I guess I won't be happy in all of those ways forever. But I will take those happiness times and make them as useful as I possibly can.

My childhood gone,
Whisked away with song,
My Barbies are begging me,
Please don't ever leave,
Watched you close the door,
Imagination worn,
Scares on my arm,
Dreaded tears line,
The path that once was mine,
The only little place,
A child could escape,
Was far away,
Down under ground
In a cemented basement
Where I found my friends,
though they have plastic heads
Fixed on smiles
Twinkles in their eyes
Full of love
Lost in my mind,
With a sense of pride,
Never had a friend
Never had a life,
Sat alone at lunch
Waiting for a sign,
A sign that I'm not alone,
crazy little girl,
who was tied to tubes,
Hooked on a pole,
Beeping little sounds,
Surgical knives
Cutting to my side,
Leaving one long scar
One scar on my stomach
Lines out my life,
Brings reality to place,
Bringing me to light,
Little lonely girl,
Plastic little friends,
Begging please don't go,
Don't want to be boxed in....
Big little girl,
21 with pride,
A scar on her stomach,
Symbolizing life,
Never would let go,
Of that crazy little girl,
She used to hide like a mole,
But now out and glows
My childhood is gone,
Whisked away with song.

I'm not talking because you love me
I'm not doubting that you care
I'm just feeling alone and regretful
And talking won't get us anywhere
I not sitting silent
because I don't want things to change
I just want this not to matter
I want the pain gone away
I'm not talking because your loud
Too loud to hear my voice
I'm not talking only to say
I wish I had a choice
My quietness might be sorrowful
Or it just might be in need
But I'm still not going to talk
Because you won't listen to me
Maybe when I open my mouth
You will be willing to hear
All the love I have
All of the things I hold most dear
And maybe once you're silenced
You will see the day
That my voice comes from my soul
And it's words are here to stay
Stop talking please
I love you
I wish you knew how much
But sometimes just not talking
Is easier than being brushed off
I told you I'm not talking
But I'm really trying to say
Is that I love you, and to give me a hug
Don't just keep going, stop squishing me like a bug
I feel so sufficated
So breathless and weak
And yet my voice is so strained
Everytime I try and speak.

Okay so strangely today I went back and viewed my previous posts, and surprisingly yesterday was my 2 year anniversary for being on EP! I did not realize it had been that long, and I'm honestly amazed about what all has happened since then. In a lot of respects, I am extremely proud of myself. This has been the first blog I've made that I've consistently expressed myself on. Yay! I'm honestly truly impressed by myself and I know you probably think I'm just goofy. But really even though I have a lot to say and it can come out jumbled I tend to refrain from writing it all down. Yes you guys only see the bare minimal of my life but in all honesty those fans I've had I am forever grateful for. Those who sit down and read all that stuff I've been through I feel a great thanks to you! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! This has been the thing that has made my whole day! I am forever grateful and I will encourage others- you included! To keep writing! Even though sometimes you feel like no ones listening, they are. And even when no one around you seems to hear you, people around the globe, like myself, will gladly listen! Keep expressing yourself! Put those problems on paper (or in a text box!) and store them up. If you have had a 2 year victory party like myself pride yourself on it and you will change the world. I am proud of myself for just 2 years. Imagine what you or I could do with 3 or 4! As a letter to you and myself, Keep it up! My heart is self made, and your's is too! That is what my username stands for, being yourself and having pride in your heart. Do what you can with your life and don't regret anything. Thank you for being a supporter and thank you for listening!

-MyHeartSelfMade7668

Okay let me explain, I've heard many times how at everything in life will have its pro's and cons, for example, being a kid means being able to enjoy things, yet when we're that age we wish we knew more? or like when your a preteen, we look at the teenagers and young adults as gods, because they can drive, and go to high school, and date. But once you hit the teenage years we all freak over social life, and grades and getting into college and hating our parents. and once your middle aged you wish you were a kid again, through all this you never seem to be happy with anything and say "the other side of the fence is greener"? Well right now the ONLY problem (at me being 21) is that my mom still sees me as a kid and I want to expand and grow my wings and she wants to clip them. But everything else is great, so I should focus on all the good stuff while i still have it, right? cause once mom gets me- there will be new problems to face. And maybe I just want to enjoy what I have. Hmmm.... idk, just typing whatever I think =)

-HeartSelfMade

Something inside me. A feeling of comfort, a way of connecting to the world.It's something that can't be explained, it's when my spirit guide Alex is around. She's there only when I need her, and not when I want her. Sometimes I want the security that can only come from the challenges, and she knows I have to face it on my own. But other times, when I feel trapped, like there's no longer light at the end of the tunnel, shes there, urging me to keep going. When I feel like I truly am weak, and like it's not going to get better. She takes my hand and for some reason I start rubbing my thigh, since I'm mostly in a fertilaty position, or sitting and hugging myself. And that says shes there. I feel her presence. She speaks through the silence that surrounds me. She is the voice inside my head insisting it's not over yet. No religious taught me of her, no one from the outside infulenced her creation. She could, in some respects, be just an imagainary friend. Like a child, a form of comfort and a way to explain things. I find people funny though, they'll believe in God, and Jesus but won't believe in the, oh I guess the voice within us that tells us to believe in it. That is what Alex is to me, the little thing that gives everything else it's "evidence". she is the symbol of Jesus and God. She is one of the angels that spoke to Virgin Mary telling her she would have a son. Maybe not the exact angel, but one like them. I have a deeper faith because of her. Alex has saved my life many times, no matter how bad things got, she never let my doubt of reason consume me. That's why I have the quote "Life has reason reason itself does not understand." because I live for reasons that reason doesn't get yet. But I, along with life, defies all reason itself.

I guess too many thoughts disrupt my brain. I don't know how to respond to it anymore. It's like my mind is being blown with all that is and isn't going on. I also have been badly disturbed by my dog having fleas. It's so bad in my bed that I myself have gotten many bug bites, on my neck and back and chest, and essentially my legs have gotten the worse with much more than just a few. I feel so haunted by the insects in my bed I have resorted to using my younger brothers old bed, before he... well left home to be a modern day hippie. It is, at this moment, going on 3 at night, and my exhaustion and frustration of restlessness has gotten on my last nerve, and I mean the ones the flea's haven't gotten to first. Yet somehow I can type an spell more words in a row now than earlier, when I was texting my returned boyfriend (see earlier posts on my blog and it will explain). I could hardly cope with the excitement and fear all running through my body I was shaking immensely and had to retype every 3 words about 6 times. Mostly forgetting to hit my shift to change a "B" to a "7" and things like that. I have a texting key pad that over laps about... eh maybe half of the buttons, which can be difficult when my mind's going much faster than my 2 thumbs who rarely text, shocking I know, for my age. Anyways, I feel obligated to explain why, we are planning to hang out tomorrow and I'm nervous because we haven't talked to each other in a month, because his family left here for California, and he had to find a new house and an extra job. Also, which should not be taken as a side note, but is information learned just today, his mother died of a heart attack. And since he has no family close by, he feels rather "deserted". Or at least that's the word he used to describe his feelings. Regardless, I feel, sympathetic for him. I mean he did just lose his mom within just a month. I just don't know how I will handle seeing him... since the more sexual thoughts of his memory also haunts me in my sleep. I know... I sort of resent that too a bit strangely. He was although my first, so I guess it's um, in the cards anyways. But obviously I have plenty on my plate as it is, and these new eduation and aspects of that probably affect my sleep very much as well. Still, I don't sleep.
I would say wish me luck but, I'm honestly not sure luck will do much good right now, I sort of feel like "give me a miracle" is slightly more the term but, I doubt that will happen either, haha

Yours -HeartSelfMade7668

He came back, I don't know if I want him here, after a whole month of not texting me, after a whole month of not knowing where he is, he texts me. He knows everything is not okay, he knows things are changing. It hurts, and I know it. There is a part of me saying I know how it feels. I know how it hurts to struggle and for the one person you hope to be there for you and them not. I know what it's like to beg for forgiveness, to say I'd change. But I don't know what it's like to tell someone no. I don't know how to tell a crying person it isn't going to work. I don't know how to break a heart with one made of stone. I can't just play the violin and be done with it. I have a big heart, and it needs to be broken more times before it's brought down to size. I feel so wrong to say I need to make my own heart break, because I've done it so many times already. All those good guys wouldn't of left if I wasn't so wrong. Yeah they weren't perfect either, and our lives at the time just clashed. I know they left because it was time for both of us, without either of us knowing. I can't blame them anymore than I can blame myself. I know that. I feel that. I understand and accept that, but somehow maybe this isn't over yet.

Without him, my life will get better. Without that love, everything will be okay. Because I will treasure the little moments we had. I will learn from what happened. You're here, There's nothing I fear. And my heart will go on. To a better chance, a better love. I only hope he moves on for the best too. And I will always love you. I'm not what you need. This is for the best.

Love is pain
Love is sight
Love is wisdom
Love is fright
Love is losing
Love is might
Love is true
Love is a lie
Love is fate
Love is destiny
Love is learned
Love is great
Love is all these things,
Love is Love
So don't hate =p