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Watching my Grandma Come Closer To The End | heartselfmade7668's Blog


   My grandma. The words I use to describe her: Wonder Woman. She is all that I aspire to be. She has lived such a legacy in her that I can't imagine the world without her. She could twirl fire with her baton on the forth of July, show my brothers how to do a hand stand in the living room, give unlimited amount of time for everyone. And my most valued: She gave me her kidney when I was 2 years old, so I could live. She married my Grandpa, and was so lucky to have the rare marriage that people would call it the "ideal" but really, it is the "fantasy" marriage people could have. She did Hawaiian dance with me, and helped form who I am today, and who I will be from now on. She has infulenced my life in such amazing ways if I tried to tell you I would be here all year talking.
   She's gotten sick though, old actually. Age does that to people. It all starts in little steps, First she stopped twirling from Arthritus. then of course those hand stands stopped pretty much at the same time. It graduated on, through my childhood. A few years ago she had to give up her leadership at the church, no longer able to be in charge of decorating and funeral dinners. I remember how hard that was for her, she struggled with her stubborn self I'm surprised she didn't have to have someone strap her down to keep her from bossing everyone, telling them they put that in the wrong box, or that the boxes won't fit in the closet and they needed to be moved to proper order. Now things have gotten suddenly harder. She sees the doctor because her eyes started seeing a dot moving in her vision. She found out it was permenate, and with that she then has trouble breathing- and she finds there are problems with her lungs. She gets put on predizone, so much my doctor giving me medicine tells me "she has a right to go crazy, people would go crazy on 10 miligrams, much less 60!". I have anxiety, and her being moody like that, so unbalanced, so not herself. She always had a coolness to her, she normally hid her temper extremely well. Only behind closed doors did she opened it a sliver. Not even that much, a hair maybe. We even called her "Judge Judy" because she was firm, but fair. She always was level headed, and seeing her act so up and down, it was scary. This was only a few weeks ago. Before she got sick.
   This last week, she got sick, she started having double vision. And, of course, it gave her a very bad headache with really horrible dizziness- which would happen to anyone seeing double and a dot. She stayed in bed all week, and me sick myself, (With a migrane, a sore throat, and a stomach ache,) went to get away from my dog barking at me, because she just wanted to. I slept a lot, but when I was awake I constantly had to be there for my grandma, and when it hurt to move myself, it all made it diffcult. I was guilted into it, because I love her too much not to. I just hate seeing her so helpless. She could barely walk to the bathroom, she slept in her lazy boy chair, because she couldn't move across the house to get to her bed. And she yelled at grandpa for trying to show her some bills. He was trying to keep her up to date, of course. He just doesn't know what to do anymore. Grandma was so good at being at the top of things, he just wanted her to feel like she was still worth something. She looks like she feels so useless, so unable. She screams fear. I don't blame her, I would too. I see her eyes and I know she thinks of herself dying. And that thought is unbearable for all of us, me and my family just watch her, aching with her. She's far from gone, but this a big is a step closer to it being so. I believe in my spirits, I know she will never be truly gone and that she will watch over us. Then she will go to heaven and be there forever with God. But watching this happen is still heart breaking. It is losing a part of me, and with her kidney in mine I beg it will never fail on me. I never want it to die and be gone like the rest of her body. I want to be buried with it, her forever attached to me with mind and body. It sounds selfish and it breaks my normal menatlities to think of it like that. I know she will always be attached to me in my heart. She will always be a piece of me, long after all of our bodies decompose and beyond past when the world will end. I know our souls will be circled together regardless of rebirth. We will be together again and again. And I have nothing to worry about. But in this life, and this moment, I don't want it to ever to end. I don't want to see my life without her by my side and a phone call away.

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